This post was written the day after my birthday. I was having a hard day and just wrote. I do this a lot and most of the time I don't post what I have written. I am so concerned about hurting someones feelings or someone taking what I am saying the wrong way. As much as I think those feelings are valid, I also need to remember why I blog and that is to keep a record of our journey. The good. The bad. The irrational feelings. The funny moments. Everything. So I will do better about posting posts like this. It doesn't matter if my feelings have changed since. At the time I wrote this- I was feeling this and I want to remember these moments so I can learn and grow and become better because of it.
8.26.14
Year 5 has been hard. One of the hardest. Why is it so constant? Never ending? And showing up at unexpected times. What's frustrating is that she isn't talked about or asked about like year 1. Life has continued for everyone. Including me.
She is not a constant thought.
But is there a lot. and not having others talk about her. Ask how I am.
Is hard.
I am not writing this to get emails and texts flooding in to check on me.
It's to remind everyone.
Myself included.
That when someone has lost.
Such a huge loss.
Year 5 or 10 or 20 is forever going to be hard!
That it's important to remember.
That big dates need to be brought up.
That a simple text or phone call to let someone know you remember can make a world of difference. This year. She was suppose to start kindergarten. I was suppose to be buying school supplies and going to meet her teacher. We were suppose to have a last day of summer party and a very excited or maybe nervous little girl who was going to be walking into a whole new world.
But she wasn't here. Nothing happened. No one said anything.
Since her birthday life has seemed extra foggy. I am questioning more and not sure of relationships in life. Not only here on earth but in heaven. Questioning what is out there. Questioning things I once felt so certain of. It's made life hard. Extra hard. Do I still smile? Yes! I am am not walking around in an obvious deep depression. That's why I write. At least that's why I did. I haven't written like I used to in a while. Because I hate how it's read by another party. Because I have felt I have had to build walls to keep people out because some only want to see the good. The happy. The "I'm fine" Kendra. So I play that part. People say they are there to talk and want to listen but end up sitting there with blanks stares. I get it. You may not know what to say. So I'll continue not to talk. It's hard on this end as well. To let someone in and end up with a dead end relationship.a©©©ah ∫ a I hear stories from other parents that are in this same boat. They are years down the road and somehow this happens. This was a fear of mine before Kenzie died. By me saying she is forgotten I am not saying people will not know who she is. But they will forget she is still just as apart of our everyday life as tracker. That just because I wasn't dropping her off on her first day of school doesn't mean I wasn't thinking about it every god damn second for weeks surrounding that day. I see life is happening all around me. I see your happy healthy child and that makes me happy but know there is not a moment I'm not still thinking mine should be right there as well.
This is my journey with the death of my daughter. It will be apart of me and my life for the rest of my life.
Learning about the real relationships is hard. Because you lose some that could have been there if your child would just not be dead. Because they can't handle or won't talk about or don't remember her. And for me. I don't want you in my life. It makes me sad because I need people. I need good people around me. Just like anyone. So to see things end, puts me over the edge. It's another reminder of what's gone. Of how this life of mine is not what I ever imagined it being.
