I cant believe we are weeks away from this little boy turning 1.
When I stop and think about my feelings surrounding him and this milestone, my brain tells me I am being silly. This all seems HUGE. Its 4 years in the making. 4 years of waiting to celebrate such a milestone. A birthday. The day that in our books- was the most important most amazing day of our lives. Both July 18 and September 9. The days we welcomed the most important people into our world.
When Tracker was born his life has continued to be a check point in ways.
At first it was to get past that 2 month mark without seeing signs he could be sick.
Then it was to get to 147 days old. The day he would be older than his sister. and the day we could breathe knowing we might just get to keep him forever.
Then it was to get to a year. Because at a year there is some better guarantee???
Now we are at a year and I feel no better guarantee than the day he was born.
The constant fear he will be taken from me.
I understand and have come to accept that this might always be in my life. I most likely will always have this fear. With Tracker and with any other child me might have.
and to keep my sanity somewhat at bay. These check points help. Instead of saying--- okay I have to keep him here and safe and alive until the day I die--- is rather overwhelming. Although that is my goal. I have to have these check points. These certain days that I can mark off and feel accomplished. That we made it this far. That he is still here. He is still healthy. and he is ours.
September 9, 2013 will be a huge check point.
His first birthday.
I cant begin to put into words the feelings I have surrounding this day.
As I look back at September 9th last year... I lose my breath at the changes in myself.
The day Tracker came into this world was the greatest moment of my life. Even over the birth of Makenzie. and the reason for that is because when Makenzie was born. I had no idea what it would be like to love a child. I had no idea what it would be like to hold your baby in your arms. I had no idea what it would be like to then watch your child get sick. and then die. I had no idea what it would be like to visit a cemetery when you needed to feel close to your baby. I had no idea the constant ache you feel when you are a Mother with no child in your arms. I had no idea the pain one could experience. I had no idea how much a heart could break.
So the day Tracker was born I knew all of that.
I truly understood what a beautiful blessing he was. I loved him more than I ever thought I could love.
Those days in the hospital were some of the scariest, most amazing, most terrifying, most healing days ill ever live. In those 2 days I was given this new child to be responsible for. I had no idea how inadequate I would feel. I felt I had it down. I knew how to be a Mom. I knew how to be a Mom to a child who needed constant medical care. So how could I feel so inadequate with this new healthy baby? That first night when Tracker was coughing/choking (which is totally normal) and I felt like I couldn't help him. That moment 2 nurses rushed in to help me as I was freaking out. The moment I look at that nurse who was holding my son and helping him get that crap out. The moment I felt like I couldn't do this. That I had no idea what I was going to do and that I couldn't take care of him and keep him alive.
Was the absolute worst moment. I will never forget that image.
but I will also never forget the imagine of every other moment with him. Those moments where I knew he knew me. Those moments that I knew he needed me. Those moments that I felt like I was holding Makenzie. That moment when I knew I was a Mom again.
Those are the best moments of my life.
and since those days life has only gotten harder and more amazing.
We are almost at 1 year.
365 days.
of LIFE.
and how amazing it is to LIVE.
I have missed living.
I have missed being happy.
Truly happy.
I have missed smiling with ease. Laughing without hesitation. and having a heart that isn't crumbling with every step I take.
This last year as taught me more than I thought it would.
It has taught me how much more I can love. How much more I can do. How much more I can be.
I am a Mom.
One of the main reasons God put me on this earth was to be these 2 little babies Mom.
I was to be there for Makenzie. I was to give her the best life I could. and I was to then let her be free.
No one else could have done it as well as Ryan and I. No one could have loved her like we did.
and we now see how true that is of Tracker.
That he needed us.
He needed our love.
Oh and how we need both of them.
I cant believe we are almost here.
To a day I have waited for, for a long long time.
I know Tracker wont really understand whats going on and wont remember all the details I'm pouring into his special day. but what I do hope is that he feels love. I hope he feels love everyday but I hope he feels just how much he is love by not only us but by every single person that is in his life. That has prayed for him. That reads about his latest antics. That laughs when we laugh at his silliness. I hope he feels that love and he is able to hold onto it forever.
Maybe that's to much to ask of a 1 year old but that's still what I'm hoping.
